Too young for sex education? /RANT/

A study cited in the Sydney Morning Herald this morning indicates that high school students want sex education earlier but that teachers are uncomfortable teaching such material. Regardless of the fact that this study was of a small sample size of students in Ballarat (a relatively urban centre in Victoria), it’s findings have hit a nerve & illuminated a heated debate in the comments section.

The argument against early sex education draws on fears of the loss of young people’s ‘innocence’ and the age-old moral panic that ‘if we teach them about it, it’s giving them permission to go out and do it’. And you know what? NO. It’s not. Teaching young people about their bodies, sex & contraceptives will not make them go out and have sex, just as teaching them about sports physiology and injury prevention will not make them go out and play dangerous sports.

 

‘RRR’ suggests that young people “are not emotionally ready to learn about sex education at an earlier age”. But when is ‘ready’? Does ‘ready’ mean when they have already been forced to deal with it, when they’re thrust head-first into puberty without any preparation? When they have their first wet dream, when they bleed between their legs, when they find themselves feeling guilty about masturbating? Surely we are ready to learn about our bodies at the earliest age possible. Surely the fact that we inhabit these glorious, fascinating, mysterious, messy and confusing vessels called our bodies, gives us enough reason to know how they work, what they can do and how this may affect us in the future.

I have a 4-year-old nephew who is endlessly inquisitive about his body and the bodies of those around him. Instead of calling his penis a 'willy', 'peepee' or a number of ridiculous pseudonyms I've heard used by adults and children alike, he knows it's called a penis. He knows about his foreskin, how to clean himself and that his penis feels nice sometimes when he touches it. He is incredibly well adjusted, happy and healthy. He knows who is allowed to touch his body and in what ways, what is 'off limits' and is being taught to look after himself. When we asks, we answer. It the information given is not relevant to him (as I'm sure it won't be for many years), he quickly tunes out and resumes playing Mario. It doesn't damage him and it doesn't confuse him. What it does do is open up an honest line of communication between himself and responsible adults who he loves and trusts. Where's the negative there?

By withholding information from young people, we reduce their sense of ownership of their bodies, their agency and decision-making which comes with the responsibility of being a human. To me, this screams of a number of concerning issues including possible body image problems, uninformed sexual decision-making, and sexual assault concerns(where young people are sexually disenfranchised and do not feel they are entitled to speak up about their own bodies and what can/can’t be done with them).

Amongst all the debate and misinformed nonsense on this comment thread, there are those who share some wonderful insights, and I’ll leave the last word with them:

UPDATE

Just wanted to provide an update, as I've been M.I.A for a little while. I've been super busy with work, away at the 1st National Sexual & Reproductive Health Conference, and I've starting writing sex advice for reachout.com (see the first question/answer here: http://au.reachout.com/q-i-want-to-have-sex). There will be one question/answer per week uploaded onto the site, so if you have a question which you don't want to ask here - feel free to submit it at reachout, here.

Other than that, I'm drafting up some more blog posts! The topics I'll be covering in the next few posts are:

 - The basics of sexual anatomy and why it's important to know.
 - Blow jobs
 - Why I've started buying vibrators for my friends.
 - How sex ed failed us.
 - & more golden nuggets of things I wish I'd been told about sex.

If you have any suggestions or burning questions, pop them in a comment & I'll get to them ASAP x

fastBREAK 'cure' video

Here is the video of my speech from fastBREAK at the Powerhouse Museum last month, which I wrote about HERE. Get excited.

Fap your way to happiness (aka The Fappiness Principle)

MASTURBATE!

It’s the best way to get to know your body, what turns you on, what feels nasty, what makes you cum. How are we supposed to tell our partners what we want or don’t want, if we don’t even know ourselves? It’s a wonderful way to explore your body’s sexual response, it’s always consensual, there’s no risk of pregnancy and it’s completely natural. 

Photo by Zandura577 (Source)

Children naturally masturbate, they start exploring their bodies and find that some parts feel particularly good when touched in certain ways. But at the same time we are taught not to touch ourselves, and we learn that our genitals are our ‘private parts’ or ‘naughty parts’, so we repress the natural desire to fiddle. When we become teenagers & the barrage of hormones kick in, the desire to masturbate returns, and masturbation becomes the source of many jokes – especially targeted at young men. They’re expected to want to masturbate almost constantly, which fails to acknowledge their diversity of experiences and desires/drives.  It feeds into the sexualised culture of young men who are told in order to be ‘real men’ they need to want and be ready for sex all.the.time.

The reality is that most of us fumble about a bit during adolescence, but usually fall into a regular pattern of masturbation which is predictable and not particularly varied. We use the same porn or fantasies and the same techniques which usually continues into adulthood. Ofcourse, masturbation isn’t compulsory and you are not abnormal if you don’t want to play with yourself. Some people don't masturbate or have any desire to masturbate at all, and that's completely normal aswell.

However, if you’d like to start masturbating, or want to explore or change your masturbation technique (maybe because you’re not reaching orgasm as often as you’d like?), here’s some hot tips.

-       Get in the mood: You might find that just the idea of masturbating will be a turn-on itself, but if you need a little help to get the fire started, try some of these things –

o   Fantasise about someone or something that turns you on. Imagine they are there with you or you are in a situation which you find sexy. It may be something you have done before, would like to do or would never do but find the idea of it a huge turn-on!). Lots of people have fantasies which they would never like to come true (especially rape/assault fantasies), but it doesn’t mean they can’t be a healthy part of your sexual experiences.

o   Pornography / Erotica – Explore some of the websites and resources I’ve listed HERE, and you’re likely to find something that flips your switches. Have a browse through the free websites and then use key word searches to pinpoint the kind of stuff you like.

o   Voyeurism/Exhibitionism – try Cam4 or even ChatRoulette if you want to see some real people getting their junk out. If you’re super brave, you might want to show yourself off. Get your web-cam set-up & get to it – you’ll find people will give you suggestions and compliments (although there may be haters aswell), and you might find it gets you going. But be careful to conceal your identity if you’re worried, and make sure you’re aware of the risks of online exhibitionism.

-          Use lube: this is always an essential part of any sex education I give. Lube is one of the best things to add to both masturbation and partner-sex. It makes everything slippery, makes penetration or contact (with clitoris/vulva, penis, sex toy, body part, material etc.) less abrasive, and lessens the risk of discomfort from a ‘dry rub’ (think of a genital carpet-burn….gaah). Try a water-based lubricant - they're available at supermarkets, chemists or adult stores, or you can also buy it online and it will be shipped in discrete packaging.

-          Ladies, invest in a vibrator: This can be particularly important, as vibrational pressure on or around the clitoris is what women most commonly find will regularly bring them to orgasm. You don’t necessarily need a giant, penis-shaped vibrator – there are lots of interesting products out, especially by a brand called Lelo (MaxxxBlack have a great range here) which are shaped like ‘pebbles’, especially for the clitoris and vulva area (external genitals). Dr Laura Berman controversially suggested on Oprah in 2009 that mothers might give their daughters a vibrator. Props to Berman, that’s an amazing idea! A lot of women might find that their hands or other objects might work just as well, but a vibrator is always a good accessory and one that has found to be particularly useful to many women – vibration was also used by doctors back in the day where female ‘hysteria’ was cured by orgasm!

-         Experiment with different textures, pressures & rhythms: usually one size doesn’t fit all, so try a few different things to see what works and what doesn’t – move into different positions, try different objects/toys and try to work out how sensitive different parts of your genitals are. You might find that you need a very specific combination of things to reach orgasm.

-          Focus on the sensations: Especially if you’re trying to control orgasm (whether you’ve never had an orgasm and you’re trying to, or whether you find you’re cumming too fast and want to lengthen the experience), try to focus on how it feels. Try to block out other distractions – and that might mean making sure you have a quiet space free of interruptions, putting some music on, and/or relaxing in a warm bath.

What have you got to lose? Take some time out of your day to get in touch with your body and inner ‘fappiness’.

'Cure'

Yesterday I was contacted by an old school friend about whether I wanted to speak at an event happening at the Powerhouse Museum this morning.  It's a monthly event run by Vibewire called 'fastBREAK' and the topic was 'Cure' (http://vibewire.org/). I scribbled some notes together and made my bleary-eyed way to the powerhouse this morning. The turn-out was great and there was tweeting and instagramming galore! Between pastries & coffee the other speakers discussed poverty (www.theoaktree.org), mental health (http://expatentpreneur.com/), autism (www.kodamapixel.com) & Australia's drinking culture (www.hellosundaymorning.com.au), while I spoke about young people & sexual health. The feedback I've received so far has been overwhelming, so I thought I'd include a copy of my speech here, so if you'd like to read, click the 'read more' link below.

Can't wait to give more of these speeches/presentations and spread the word about sex-positive education for young people!

The bloody myth

For many women, the anxiety over the prospect of losing your virginity is tied up in the illusive hymen. We’re not really taught what the hymen is, but we know to expect blood when someone finally ‘pops our cherry’. So WTF is this cherry and what does ‘popping’ it actually mean?

We’re taught to think that the hymen is like a sheet of clingwrap covering the entrance of the vagina, which will be perforated/broken/torn by a penis. In fact, the hymen is not a full piece of skin or membrane which is ‘broken’ and opens up some magical vaginal path to the uterus. If it was then women with an unbroken hymen would experience massive infections every time they had their period (as there would be no way for the menstrual blood to escape). Instead, the hymen usually appears as a set of ‘fringes’ or ruffles of tissue around the walls of the vagina. In cases that the hymen is a full membrane, this is called ‘imperforate hymen’ (which is an extreme in the spectrum of hymen types) and generally requires medical intervention in being gently cut open to allow menstrual flow and general vaginal health.

The variation in hymens is similar to the variations in vulvas – we all look different, but all are perfectly normal and functional - except for hymen imperforatus ofcourse, so get that checked out.

Source

So while some women may bleed when they first have intercourse, it is usually because the penis is the biggest object to have penetrated them, and is likely to stretch or tear these ‘hymen-y’ fringes. This can also occur from using tampons, fingering or inserting other objects into the vagina, strenuous sports or horseriding, and medical examinations.

So the concept of an ‘intact’ hymen is actually a big, fat lie. We hear words like ‘breaking’ or ‘popping’ the hymen – the myth of the hymen perpetuates ideas that by having sex a woman loses something which is taken from her by a man. We are taught we need to ‘protect’ our hymen as it is what separates innocence and guilt.

Experiencing some pain, bleeding or a stinging sensation with first-time intercourse can also be due to the vaginal walls ‘stretching’ (although they are not really stretching, merely expanding, which can be made difficult through nerves & anxiety), &/or a lack of lubrication which can cause friction and discomfort.

During first time sex, it may hurt a little, it may sting, you may see some blood. Or you may experience none of these things. To avoid too much pain or discomfort, USE LUBE, and take it slowly, communicate with your partner and educate him or her on what is uncomfortable/comfortable, pleasurable/not-so-nice.  Ofcourse, losing your virginity is about more than the hymen, and it certainly shouldn't be the symbolic definer of first-time sex.

So, hymen schmymen - let's kick those hymen myths to the curb.

Real Sex: Painful sex / Vaginismus

Since starting this blog I've been contacted by several people who have wanted to tell their stories and share their experiences of sex. Each one has been unique and I'm incredibly humbled and grateful that they want to share their intimate details with the internetz. 

This will be the first of several contributed stories to Notes to Virgins over the next few months. 'Miss G' has written about her experience of Vaginismus, a involuntary reflex/tightening of the vaginal muscles which usually prevents penetration and makes any attempt extremely painful. From the first discovery of the pain, to seeking treatment and the experience of intercourse with partners, this really is a tell-all recount of her journey in her own voice. I'd like to thank Miss G for contacting me about this, and I hope that your story will educate and inspire others to seek help if they experience vaginal pain. 

Have Your Sexy Say:

If you have a question or a suggestion for a blog post, post your thoughts below:

Penises/vaginas/anuses, sex acts, fetishes, relationships, communication, casual sex, fuck buddies, techniques, desire, arousal, orgasm, STIs, monogamy, polyamory, ….. THE LIST GOES ON!

Think about what you wish you’d been taught about sex and then ask the questions or suggest a topic! Post it as a comment (you can use your googleID or go anonymous!) and I'll get onto it!

What Women Want (hint: ASK THEM)

So, I’ve been trawling Quora lately and have been absolutely gobsmacked by the amount of people that ask “what turns a woman on?”, “how can I make my g/f wet?”, “how can I make my girl relax and enjoy sex more?”. These are genuine questions, but I can only wonder why they’re directing their answers to the interwebz and not their partners themselves. If you want to know what turns someone on, ask them.

Photo Credit: Joseph Hancock

Now I know that this can be a tricky conversation to have, but it really doesn’t have to be an awkward “sit down - we need to talk” one. Here are some pointers for finding out what your female partner does/doesn’t want you to do:

-          Take it slowly – hold your horses, take a few deep breaths and take everything very slowly at first. For example, don’t try to dive straight into fingering her without making sure she’s ready – make sure you take plenty of time to kiss her, touch her, run your hands over her body. Don’t just jump in and expect her to love it. If you try to penetrate her (with a finger/toy/penis) while she’s ‘dry’, it’ll be uncomfortable for the both of you and she’s less likely to want to take it any further.

-           ‘Check-in’ with her - While you’re going down on her/fingering her/playing with her nipples – whatever it is you’re doing – ask her if it feels okay, if she wants it faster/harder/slower/softer and be guided by her responses. We don’t expect you to be experts on how to turn us on, and most women appreciate the opportunity to give feedback and feel they’re in control (to some extent!).

-          Practice what you preach – tell her what feels good for you, things you’d like to try etc. and she’s likely to follow your lead. Once you start opening up the lines of communication, you might be surprised by the kinds of things that start coming out of her mouth.

-         Conversation Killers - NEVER start the conversation with “So, I saw them do this thing in some porn I watched….”. Unless you know she’s into porn or happy for you to watch porn, avoid this one. It’s a sure-fire way to kill the mood.

-          Post-play - After you’re finished fooling around/having sex, have a bit of a de-brief. You’ll be be relaxed and (hopefully) sexually satisfied, the bonding & feel-good hormones (oxytocin & dopamine) will be bounding around, so it’s a great time to improve lines of communication. Ask her what she enjoyed, what she wants to try again, if there’s anything else she’s interested in trying. Ask her specific questions about things you want feedback on, and make sure you take it on board for next time.

So these pointers are more about 'how to find out what turns her on', rather than 'how to turn her on' - I'll do another blog entry about things that COMMONLY turn women on, but obviously it's always preferable to find out from the woman herself rather than a blanket approach!

P.S. - If you haven't checked out Quora, you definitely should. It's basically a question-and-answer community and has an amazing and extensive sex/sexuality section. Get onto it. & while you're at it, follow me: http://www.quora.com/Giverny-Lewis.

Not all porn is created equal

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Have criteria for sexual partners

Draft up a checklist (physically or mentally) of what qualities you want in a sexual partner. Whether they're an anonymous fling, a casual affair or a long-term relationship, it's important to be conscious of what you will and won't unzip for. 

Age, intelligence level and marital status are a good place to start, but also factor in sexual attraction, apparent cleanliness and, on a big night out, a guestimate of their blood-alcohol level. Your criteria should be partner-specific, but also condition-specific. If the partner is ‘perfect’ but the conditions are dubious (you’re in a rush, others are in earshot, or the location is dodgy), give it a miss. You’ll be distracted and uncomfortable throughout the whole experience, very unlikely to experience significant arousal, and even less likely to cum. 

Also think about what the purpose of the sex is - is it for fun? power? revenge? to try something new? What are THEIR reasons for wanting to have sex? This will determine what kind of partner you should go with. 

Lastly, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. If someone seems dodgy, coercive or aggressive, avoid them like the plague (unless you're into that). Similarly, if they're needy, anxious and insecure, probably better to skip the sex. You could end up with a big mess on your hands.

Make sure you stick to your criteria - it's an important benchmark to make sure you have some power over who you fuck, when & how. Sex is wonderful - you deserve to have the kinds of sex you want.  

What are YOUR criteria? 

Lube it up, buttercup

Use water-based lube, as much as you want. Oil is not a lube. Pawpaw cream is not a lube. Body butter is not a lube. Spit is a good back-up lube – it’s naturally occurring, water-based and free. But it does dry up quickly, so better to invest in a quality lube, as a little bit can go a long way.

Especially for your first time, lube is absolutely essential. 

Having to use lube is not a sign you’re not aroused enough – sometimes the vagina doesn’t lubricate naturally quite as much as other times. This can be due to where you are in your menstrual cycle and other hormonal changes, as well as distractions and just pure variation – as much as we would like to believe, we are not sex machines and we can’t expect to behave as such.  

MaxxxBlack have an amazing range - I recommend Intimate Organics HYDRA. 

don't be a douche

The vagina cleans itself. Don’t use sprays, lotions or any other wizardry that sells itself by making you feel dirty. The small amounts of discharge (am I even allowed to use that word anymore? I don’t want to cause public outcry!) you  may see is the vagina maintaining its natural Ph balance.  

If you’re really worried about the smell or juices coming from your vagina, have a shower before sex and rinse between your vulva with plain, warm water. If the smell is particularly bad/constant, or you have a coloured or thick discharge, go see a doctor – it could be vaginitis or thrush.

& gentlemen, if you have a discharge – get it checked out. immediately. If you don’t, then YOU’RE the douche.

Don't fake it till you make it

Sometimes it can be easier to just lurch around a bit, increase your panting and let out a few yells, but who are you kidding?

You’re cheating yourself out of the sex you want & deserve, you’re giving your partner false impressions of grandeur and you’ll just wind up feeling guilty and unsatisfied. If you’re not cuming regularly, but you don’t want to fake it, explore this with your partner. Make sure he knows it’s OKAY if you don’t cum every time. & find out what you can both do to improve the orgasm-to-nogasm-ratio. 

The Virgin Post of Notes to Virgins

ahh... the virgin post of my first blog.

So, I'd like to start out by telling you to check out the 'about me' page. It's a bit of a background on what I do and why I do it.

I'm incredibly excited about starting this blog, as I hope it will be a place where people can visit regularly, get some practical, non-clinical information about sex and relationships, contribute their own thoughts, and link into other sexual health resources and supports. Even in my field of work, as a young person I've often been made to feel that I shouldn't talk about sexual health, that it isn't something I should have knowledge about, confidence in, or  control over. and I know I'm not alone.

We need to develop a community of open discussion about sexual health - where intelligent and diverse young adults can share their thoughts, experiences and recommendations in a non-judgemental environment.

On that note, if you'd like to make a contribution to the blog, tell us what you wish you'd been told about sex by contacting us on Facey.