I currently live and work in Sydney, Australia. I contribute to reachout.com for a regular Q&A section for young people (as their resident sexpert), have been published in Cosmopolitan and featured on ABC radio.
I am available for interviews, appearances and writing contributions. I can be contacted via the comments section or at giverny.lewis@gmail.com
I like you to write about circumcision vs uncircumcised.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you so much for writing this blog. I am a 27-year-old virgin who, unfortunately, also has panic attacks. I'm Agnostic now but I still experience thoughts of shame and pressure from the religious way I was raised.
ReplyDeleteI am dating a wonderful man who has had sex before but has not pressured me at all about it. However, I find myself wanting to have sex but I start to go into a panic attack when we try.
I would love to have your input on this. Again, thanks so much for the blog!
Hi Karla,
DeleteFirstly - thankyou so much for your comment. I'm glad the blog is reaching people like you :)
Anxiety and panic attacks are surprisingly common, especially in relation to sex and relationships. There's no denying that sex is quite an intimate act, and it's understandable that some anxiety results. This said, obviously your panic attacks are debilitating to the point that you cannot enjoy sex with your partner (who sounds very patient and wonderful!).
I'd like to know more about what these panic attacks feel like & in what particular ways they interfere with your trying to have sex - is it a shortness of breath that stops you? is it dizziness? is it nausea? is it a physical response of the vagina tightening and not allowing penetration? I'm not a doctor, but this sort of information might be able to help me respond a little more specifically. Also, are you on any medication to control the panic attacks? Do you only suffer from them when you're trying to have sex, or at other times of pressure/stress aswell?
My advice would be to see a doctor to get the symptoms under control for the time being. I'd also suggest that you try masturbating, if you're not already. It's a wonderful way to get to know your body and be in complete control of what's happening to it without a partner present. It may be that you're afraid of being penetrated, and that's okay. It may take some time for you to train your body to relax and find out how it feels.
If you're interested in starting to masturbate, I'd recommend you start with a small vibrator and lots of lube. Take some time, free of interruptions, and put on some relaxing music or read some erotica, or watch some porn (if you're into that). Take deep breaths to relax yourself and imagine what you're going to do before you do it. Use the vibrator on a low setting to explore your vulva and clitoris with it, moving closer to your vaginal opening and placing some pressure on it. You may find you want to penetrate yourself with it, or you may not. Be guided by what you feel.
Do this regularly until you feel comfortable enough to maybe involve your partner in this. Perhaps he could watch you. Perhaps he could kiss you while you use the vibrator. Perhaps he could hold the vibrator and you could guide his hands. Make sure you do all your relaxation BEFORE you start (this may involve a massage, a long bath, calm music, mentally 'stepping through' what's going to happen, and/or deep breathing.
Slowly you may find you are comfortable in him adding his hands 'into the mix', or his tongue, or even rubbing his penis over your clitoris and vaginal opening. I believe this would be a way to slowly work your way up to penetrative intercourse. Make sure you use plenty of lube though, and take your time! I cannot stress this enough.
I hope this helps somewhat. He sounds very patient and understanding, and if he's happy to help you with some regular 'exercises' then I'm sure there will be rewards for both of you!
Feel free to message me back if you need any more specific advice :)
x Giverny.
Thank you so much for writing back to my question. Yes, I'm currently in therapy for my panic attacks and trying to learn how to deal with them. I talked with my boyfriend and he was willing to do whatever I needed to make me feel comfortable.
DeleteYour suggestions (and your site) have made me a little calmer about the whole thing.
I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again!
Hello Giverny
ReplyDeleteI have currently begun my first year at university and am finding it very hard to stay focused. I am a 20 year old virgin, living on-campus and have never had this problem before.
I am wondering if it is due to the environment that I am in, or if humans are just programmed to think about sex all the time, because up until now, I thought that just applied to men.
Do people become more aware of others sexually when placed in an environment of high sexual activity/tension?
I want to be focused and I don’t want to be in a relationship until after I have finished studying. Any insight would be much appreciated.
Kind regards
Claire
Hi Claire,
DeleteThanks for your message. It's very common to become more 'sexually aware' when you're placed in an environment of high sexual activity, and living in close proximity with your preferred sex.
If you're worried about losing focus and don't know how to keep these thoughts at bay, I would suggest you start masturbating (if you are not already) - this can be a great outlet for your sexual thoughts without comprimising your priorities. Purchase a good quality water-based lubricant and either start with your hands or invest in a vibrator (this is a great starting point for most women).
Hi,
ReplyDeleteHow are you. I am virgin and want to have sex. But i am not having love in my life. This is really frustating tell me what to do. I want to have sex but i don't know what to do....
Please help me
Hi Robert,
DeleteThanks for your message. I want to make it clear that I don't think being a virgin is a negative thing. There are lots of things you can do without having penetrative intercourse which can be sexually, socially and emotionally satisfying. However, I understand your frustrations, as that is how many virgins feel.
For many people, first-time sex is something that seems to happen, rather than it being planned in an 'american pie' way. So I guess you should start thinking about what kind of sex you want to have when you lose your virginity. Perhaps you want to be in a long-term relationship? Perhaps you don't really mind who it is, you just want to get it over and done with? Whatever the situation, you need to put into place some stepping stones to get to this point.
If you want a relationship, start dating - there's lots of ways to go about this, but you need to realise that even once the wheels are in motion, you may find you make slow to no progress. Your partner may not be interested in having sex, and in this case you need to find alternative ways to release your sexual frustrations (there may be other things you can do together, or you may need to masturbate more frequently).
To be honest, there's not much more advice I can give you at this point. But, as a general rule, remember that it takes 2 (or more) people to have sexual intercourse, and you need to respect the feelings, desires and consent of the other person/people involved.
If you just want to lose your virginity (for whatever reason), but don't really want to be in a relationship, a casual hook-up can work aswell (or a sex worker, if you feel comfortable), but the same rules of consent and respect still apply :)
I hate that men are brought up with an unrealistic idea of a woman’s body, namely that we do not have pubic hair, I've had this debate numerous times with a friend, and he finds pubic hair on women disgusting, not just that, he tells me that women without pubic hair get more sex than those with and I’m hearing that men are getting Brazilians as well!
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to the days when fur was cool? I prefer my men with! Why can’t we just accept how are bodies are naturally?
I'm keen to know more about how pheromones work
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI am Nissa, a self defence instructor who also teaches consent workshops.. I am friends with Tia and live in Newcastle, I want to teach consent workshops with young people with a focus on violence prevention + encouraging sex and body positivity.. Here is a link to my blog, it would be good to work with you!! I also hav some training in sex ed, and my main background is in the martial arts..
http://secretstrengthselfdefence.blogspot.com.au/
Hi Nissa,
DeleteThanks so much for contacting me - I'd love to speak to you more about this. Can you send me an email to giverny.lewis@hotmail.com ?
I look forward to hearing from you :)
I just broke up with my first boyfriend. Technically, we had broken up six months ago, but he wanted to stay friends and so our friendship had been dragged out for six months.
ReplyDeleteHe cried and I felt really guilty, but I knew that it could not go on; he still wants to keep in contact but I have told him no, after I broke off the friendship, my heart was pounding and I felt like I wanted to throw up, I don’t know what to do from here.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
Hi Jess,
DeleteA first boyfriend or girlfriend is always a new experience, and with it comes a whole barrage of emotions. By the sounds of your situation, it seems the 'remaining friends' wasn't the best choice for the two of you. It can often blur lines between whether you are together or not, and it sounds like that's whats happened with you.
Some times the best thing to do is to give each person some space and time to work out how they feel without the 'friendship' factor getting in the way. But there's no right or wrong answer, I'm afraid. Do what feels right for you. It may be painful, but if you think "this is going to be a good choice for me in the long run", chances are it's the right choice.
Take care,
Giverny.
Hi Giv,
ReplyDeleteFirstly, this blog is great!
Q: Last night I was sexually active with my new boyfriend. Just messing around - hand jobs and stuff, no oral or intercourse. I was being really careful with this, because I'm not on the pill, but at some point his cum (though he reckoned it wasn't semen) got pretty close to my vagina. Should I be concerned? How easy is it do get pregnant?
Also, how tough are your genitals in terms of germs? I wash my hands regularly during the day... but sometimes sexual activity is just spontaneous... You can't just be like, "Sorry, just going to wash my hands first..." unless you are right near a bathroom, if you know what I mean.
Thanks.
Hi
DeleteThanks for your comment!
Genitals are pretty resilient, but we do need to be careful. Obviously if you have particularly dirty hands from working outside or with chemical substances (such as cleaning products) it's a good idea to give them a good wash before putting them inside or around anyone's genitals, but generally you'll be fine. You can always carry a antibacterial hand sanitiser if you need a 'go-to' product in times of need :)
In terms of your question about cum, if the penis was not particularly close to your vaginal entrance, then it's unlikely the fluid (likely to contain sperm, even if it was just 'precum') would have travelled up the vagina to the cervix and uterus. There's a reason that when men ejaculate the semen 'spurts' out - this is so it can travel far enough up the vagina to increase the chances of the the sperm meeting with an egg. Therefore, it's highly unlikely that pregnancy can occur when there is only limited contact with the vulva and vaginal entrance. HOWEVER, there is the chance of STI transmission (including HIV), so make sure you & your boyfriend get checked out before you have any more genital contact. It's super easy, just go to your local doctor or family planning clinic and they'll take a urine sample - quick & painless!
Hope this helps :)
Giv.
Thank you so much! Really appreciate it. :)
DeleteHello Giverny
ReplyDeleteIs it possible to fall in love with someone you hardly know?
I’m not very good at dealing with my emotions when I like someone, so when I met someone and felt an instant connection (that I have never felt before), I ignored them, hardly spoke to the person of my affection and tried to will my feelings away.
Now I haven’t seen this person in over a year (probably never will again), and I’m afraid to say that my feelings have not dulled; I’m not naive, in that I know this is probably an infatuation, because he is ‘the one that got away’, I just never thought that this feeling would last this long and I want to be over it so that I can get on with my life.
Any suggestions/advice?
Hi Amy,
Deletethanks for your message - and I'm sorry it's taken me a little while to get back to you.
Love is one of those things that's almost impossible to describe or pinpoint. It also means it's impossible to know when you're in love or not - so confusing!
However, the fact that you are still thinking about this person a lot tells me that there's something unresolved there. Perhaps the relationship ended awkwardly? Perhaps you never got a chance to tell them how you felt? Maybe you just need some kind of resolution to the relationship, and it may go either way. They might have felt the same way all along, and this would bring you both together. Or they may not return the feelings, but at least you've gotten it 'out of your system'.
My suggestion, as always, would be to bring it out into the open and let them know. It will provide you with some relief, and at least then you know you've given it all you could.
Hope this helps. Let me know how you go. x
Hi Giverny
DeleteThank you for the advice, it is helpful, however I probably should have mentioned that I don’t know where he is now and I have no way of contacting him.
ahh... well that is a tricky one. It may help to write a 'letter' to him (even without anywhere to send it), or perhaps talk to a counsellor. Sometimes just being able to get all your feelings out there can bring a sense of relief.
DeleteMy other piece of advice would be to make sure that you get yourself on the scene. If you're open to dating/seeing/sleeping with other people, it may help you to heal and to realise that there are other partners out there who will be 'right' for you, in one way or another.
Giverny :)
Thank you, getting this off my chest here really has helped, and your advice is great.
DeleteKeep up the great work!
Ok- so you have your finger up your boyfriend's bum... what then? got no idea.. makes you sort of lose the moment if you are thinking ???
ReplyDelete